Passion...

From the time I started this blog, one of its main purposes has been for me to use it as a place to write about whatever's on my mind. This is where I write about my thoughts and sort them out and try to make sense of them. Writing forces me to organize my thoughts into coherent sentences, which makes it easier for me to make sense of the jumbled mess in my brain.

This is going to be one of those "inside my head" posts where I write about what's on my mind and let you all come along for the ride while I sort things out. But be warned, my brain is a very weird place to be sometimes.


In the end, as you'll see, I think my mind has already been made up for me, so what's going on inside my brain doesn't really matter much anyway. So this isn't so much of a "help me decide what to do" post, as a "here's where I am, and here's the thought process that got me here" kind of post.

...

I mentioned in my last post that I was thinking about Katie's acting/singing career. I was torn between holding her back, and letting her fly and seeing how high she can go. Her agent believes that her time is now. To be as good as she is at her age makes her unique and puts her one step ahead of the competition when it comes to auditions. There aren't many 12-year olds who can sing like her. Most directors cringe at the thought of having to cast a 12-year old in a show because good talent at that age is so hard to find. And then Katie walks into an audition and blows the doors off the theater, and they are astounded (like the "Holy shit" response to her Wizard of Oz audition, for example). She stands out above every other actress she auditions against, and she's developed a wonderful rapport with all of the directors she's worked with. Every one of them has said they will cast her again in a heartbeat when the right role comes up. And directors talk to each other, and sometimes she goes into an audition where the director has already heard about her and knows what to expect, and has probably already made up their mind before she even sings a note. And a reputation like that is priceless in this business. She's not just really good "for a 12-year old", she's really good. Period.

And I can't hold her back from that. She's good enough to perform with the best of the best, in the biggest productions, on the biggest stages anywhere. I can't tell her to sit on the sidelines and wait until she's older, when every director who sees her wants her in their show NOW. I believe Broadway will be beating a path to her door when she's ready, and if she maintains the connections and the reputation she's already established in the local and regional theaters, and grows her network over time, then the path will be that much clearer when this becomes her lifetime career.

But it scares the hell out of me to think of where all this could lead. You hear so many stories about young people who make it big and then implode from the pressure that comes with fame and fortune. I've even met a few of them. Katie worked with an actor last summer who was once a big star at the age of 12. He did Broadway theater, television, movies, and made tons of money at it. Then he turned 18 and went wild. Blew all his money, destroyed his career, spent some time in jail, and now he does small local and regional theater on the side, while working as a waiter to pay the bills. It's all too easy for that to happen - too much money, not enough maturity and family support to handle it. Of course I want to think that could never happen to Katie - she's much too smart for that, and we would be right behind her all the way, making sure she doesn't go down the wrong road. I want to believe that. But it still scares the hell out of me.

And then there's the loss of so much of her childhood. She already lost so much of it in her early years, drowning in grief over the death of her mom and dad. And now that she's finally landed with both feet on the ground, she doesn't have time to be a kid. When she's in a show, she goes straight from school to the theater every day, does her homework and studying between scenes when she has time, gets home late at night, and then does it all again the next day. She doesn't have much free time to just hang out with friends and be a regular 12-year old girl. And that makes me a little sad, not to mention a little worried.

And of course I'd be lying if I said it was for completely unselfish reasons that I'm afraid. Having a child actress in the family is hard work. As a paid actress under 18, state law requires her to have a parent or guardian in the building at all times during rehearsals and performances, which means we can't just drop her off at the theater and pick her up afterwards. One of us has to stay there for the entire 8 or 10 hours of rehearsals, every day for weeks at a time, and sit through every performance six nights a week and twice on Sundays. The trips to New York for her current gig have been exhausting, and if her upcoming West coast audition leads where it could, it would mean a semi-permanent move to California for all of us. And even if this one doesn't work out, maybe the next one will, or the next one. And that scares the hell out of me too. This is our home, and I thought it always would be.


So those are the thoughts that have been swimming around in my head. They still are, but I already know there's no stopping her now. I can't hold her back from where she belongs.


That realization came when I remembered a song Katie sang at the New England music festival last summer. It was a duet she sang with her friend Stephanie, who is a wildly talented 14-year old. The song is called "Flight." It's all about spreading your wings and going out into the world and taking chances and making your life what you want it to be; the freedom to soar on the wind and land wherever it takes you. When I pulled out the video and listened to it again, I knew I couldn't hold her back. No matter how good you are, you can't sing with this much passion unless the passion is real and the words move your soul. And these words move her soul. I've posted the video below, so you can hear what I'm talking about. Katie is a damn good actress, but she isn't acting here - this is real emotion, and real passion. She feels every word of this song in the deepest depths of her soul.


Which brings me back to the title of this post: passion. I've always believed that everyone should be passionate about something - no matter what it is. And you have to follow your passion wherever it leads, because you'll never be truly happy if you don't. In hearing this song, and the passion in her voice, it's clear that the life she wants can't be found here in a tiny town in a remote corner of New Hampshire - the life she wants is out there somewhere. This isn't just a childhood fantasy for her, or a passing phase that occupies her time until something else comes along that interests her - this is everything she's ever dreamed about or hoped for. I can't hold her back if she wants to reach for that dream. This is her passion, and she has to follow it - wherever it leads. And that's why we're going to California next week for the biggest audition of her life - to see where it leads. I promised her mother before she died that I would always do everything in my power to make sure Katie has everything she needs to make her dreams come true. And this is her dream.

This is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful songs ever written. And their voices blend so well together that it's hard sometimes to tell which girl is singing which part, as the melody shifts between them and they trade off harmonies one to the next. Katie and Stephanie met when they were performing together in Annie, and they've been the best of friends ever since. I think their friendship shows here in the way their voices play off one another and blend through the beautiful harmonies. You really have to know and respect your partner's strengths to be able to blend like that. I really want to get the two of them together sometime and record this song in the studio, because I think they do an amazing job with it.

Okay, I'll shut up now and let you hear them (Katie is the one on the left, closest to the piano player)...



Flight

Performed by Katie Gaines and Stephanie Navarro
Not for profit or redistribution
All rights retained by original copyright holder

Flight
------

Let me run through a field in the night
Let me lift from the ground 'til my soul is in flight.

Let me sway like the shade of a tree
Let me swirl like a cloud in a storm on the sea.
Wish me on my way

Through the dawning day I,
Wanna flow, wanna rise, wanna spill
Wanna grow in a grove
On the side of a hill.

I don't care if the train runs late,
If the checks don't clear,
If the house blows down.

I'll be off where the weeds run wild
Where the seeds fall far from this
Earthbound town.

And I'll start to soar!
Watch me rain til I pour out!
I'll catch a ship that will sail me astray
Get caught in a wind and I'll just have to obey
Til I ride away (Harmony: Time! Flight! Flight!)
Ah
Ah
Away...

Let me leave behind
All the clouds in my mind I
Wanna wake without wondering why
Finding myself in a burst for the sky!
(Harmony: Flight! Flight!)

I'll just roll
Let me lose all control I
Wanna float like a wish in a well
Free as the sound of the sea in a shell

I don't know
But maybe I'm just a fool
I should keep to the ground
I should stay where I'm at
Maybe everyone has hunger like this
And the hunger will pass
But I can't think like that

All I know is that somewhere in a clearing (harmony: somewhere)
There's a flickering of sunlight on a river long and wide
And I have such a river inside!

Let me run through a field in the night!
Let me lift from the ground til my soul is in flight!
Let me sway like the shade of a tree!
Let me swirl like a cloud in a storm on the sea!
Wish me on my way! (harmony: wish me on my way)
Through the dawning day I
Wanna flow, wanna rise, wanna spill
Wanna grow on the side of a hill

Wanna shift from the wave that I'm on
Wanna drift from the path
I've been traveling upon
Before I am gone.